I consider myself a feminist. I read as much as I can on issues relating to gender equality and
the oppression of women, the LGBTQIA+ community and people of colour.

I believe Patriarchy is incredibly damaging to men and young boys, and needs to be
dismantled in every way possible. I try and actively exist in the world as more than just an
armchair feminist, though I could try harder.

I am conscious of my white cis male privilege, yet despite all of my efforts to learn and
understand, I still fall into the trap of playing the role demanded of me by Patriarchy and
causing harm to myself and others, more often than not unwittingly.

I get defensive at times with regards to issues relating to sweeping generalisations of men,
even though on an intellectual level I understand that it isn’t personal.

Having said all of this, if I as a (fairly) tuned in man struggle with the complexities of living in
a patriarchal society that is negatively impacting on my life, how do men who don’t have the
support and access to learning that I have had, gain an understanding that the feminist
struggle is in their interests too? How do we help men realise that it is not feminism but the
violent, misogynistic patriarchal system that oppresses them? Only by engaging in a process
of learning, accountability and self-reflection, can we begin to dismantle the systems that
disempower, disenfranchise and destroy lives on a daily, if not hourly basis.
Defensiveness describes the quality of being anxious to avoid challenge or criticism.” It is a
feeling that we all recognise, for various reasons, and often relating to childhood
experiences. Defensiveness can trigger feelings of shame, sadness and anger, emotions that
men often struggle to feel or express in healthy ways.

Shame makes us feel bad about ourselves, to look at ourselves critically and without
compassion. Our patriarchal systems encourage shaming, and much of that is focussed on
men who do not conform to the rigid model of masculinity that patriarchy perpetuates.
Shame has the ability to make us feel so low that we lash out, either at ourselves or others,
fuelling an anger that if repressed or expressed in an uncontrolled way, can cause serious
harm.

Although male defensiveness does not always result in serious physical or emotional
violence, it is a cornerstone of patriarchal masculinity, and needs to be addressed and
challenged in a way that does not push men deeper into their protective bunkers. When it is
not addressed, male defensiveness can have horrific real-world consequences, manifesting
in groups such as the incel community, men’s rights groups, men going their own way and
others. The problem is complex, but do the solutions have to be? We need to allow men to
be their true selves, to treat them kindly and compassionately, and to allow them to feel
and express the full range of human emotions. This may feel completely at odds with the
way men often treat women and the world around them, so why should we react in such a
gentle way?

Those advocating for prison abolition, talk of a need to end punishment as it perpetuates
the foundational patriarchal values of domination and violence. To find ways to help and
heal those who have committed harm to others is no easy task, but if we want to build a
world of care and compassion, we have to extend those values to everybody. By shouting
and screaming at men for their role in patriarchy, we re-trigger those defence mechanisms
which can in turn result in extreme and violent reactions. Although it might feel cathartic,
this does nothing to help educate men, to encourage their transformation, or to help them
learn from their past, take accountability for the harm they have caused, or understand the
huge privilege patriarchy bestows upon them.

I fully understand women’s anger towards men in the context of thousands of years of male
oppression and unacknowledged privilege. Women should not have to bear the weight of
responsibility of educating men unless they wish to do so. The expectation that women do
the majority of emotional labour, taking responsibility for the personal development of
others, is a sometimes-underappreciated dimension of patriarchy, and by expecting women
to educate us, we fail to take responsibility for ourselves and the power that we have to
change, whilst burdening them further. There are countless books written by women
describing their experiences, their views and their feelings. The information we need is out
there, we just need to make the choice to participate in our own transformation. The sad
truth of the matter is that is a part of our privilege; we get to choose to turn up if and when
we feel like it, we can opt in and out when we desire, whilst the reality for women and other
marginalised groups is that they cannot simply opt out of the oppression of living within a
patriarchy society.

The first step to educating ourselves is understanding our tendency towards defensiveness
when men as a group are challenged or criticised; and choosing to pause and reflect on the
systemic nature of patriarchy before we respond.